Posts Tagged conflict

Why Most Conflicts Occur

September 17, 2008 at 6:43 am · Filed under Family, Marriage ·Tagged , , , ,

Online book study — Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley.

“Conflicts happen because there are power and control problems in the home”. Pg. 215 (Gary)

For example, a decision needs to be made whether or not your child can go to the football game tonight. You have one opinion your spouse has another. Each of you wants your decision to be final, as result of this difference you now have conflict.

Gary lists other reasons for conflict in the home:

  • Power and Control
  • Insecurity
  • Differences in Values
  • Competition
  • Personal Differences
  • Misunderstood Feelings and Unmet Needs

When you argue, do you ever get the distinctive feeling you are chasing your tail (if you had one)? They say one thing about the issue at hand, you say another, they counter, you counteract, they answer, you oppose and on and on it goes.

Before I was married, my only training in conflict resolution, was to win (this term defined loosely). Now I try for a completely different goal, “to act in love”. Remember, the biblical def. of  “love” is the most powerful force on earth. Oh don’t get me wrong, I still lose sight of what is important during an argument. But at least now, I realize there is something better than the proverbial Touché.

It can be very difficult when we are in the heat of the argument. Who is going to be the one to reach for the life jacket, because it seems like we are both in the water and sinking fast.

The author suggests if you are going to bring resolution to conflict and be drawn closer together, there should be rules or boundaries by which you fight. I’ll give you a few examples because his list is long Pg.222:

  1. Clarify what you are fighting about
  2. Do not seek out past problems or hurts.
  3. No sarcasm
  4. Try not to use the word “you”.
  5. No exaggerations
  6. No name-calling
  7. No manipulation statements: “I’m sleeping on the couch”
  8. You cannot use the silent treatment

So we do not seek arguments, but realize they will happen. According to Gary, an argument can bring more intimacy in a relationship if it is handled the right way.

Proverbs 17:19
The one who loves a quarrel loves transgression; 1 whoever builds his gate high seeks destruction

1 Peter 4:8
Above all keep 1 your love for one another fervent, 2 because love covers a multitude of sins

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